The Worst Band-aid Ever.

Incidentally, has anyone ever clicked on the handicap button by the Captchas? It might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.

Okay

okay,

okay okay.

o-kay.

ok.

OK.

O.K.

Okay?

laid out, it does

nothing to reassure me.

Repeat it.

Okay.

It doesn't matter

how you spell it,

it means the same

un-

thing.

It is the name given to the lack of comfort

because if you give something a name you can say it doesn't exist

So give me something more to go on.

Pasta Commercial

This delicious little irony comes to us from a commercial for Ragu Spaghetti Sauce. Wait, it might have been Prego - Or Pragu, or Rego, or Ragapreguru - Spaghetti Sauce brands have criminally similar names. Just toss in some combination of R, G, and vowels (with an occasional P) and you're golden.

Anyway, this commercial opens up with a statement, delivered very dramatically from an unseen narrator, something akin to a Voice-of-God dictum:

"Why would you want Spaghetti Sauce from a jar?"

Fading into view as this rhetorical proclamation sounds is a plate of spaghetti, clearly prepared to be as unappealing as humanly possible. Plopped on top is a jar, unbranded, of spaghetti sauce - not actually applied to the dish. The overall effect is clearly unsettling - my nephew (who was one at the time) was in the room and I covered his eyes for fear he would never eat again.

Fortunately, when all culinary hope seems lost, the VOG presents glorious semolina salvation in the form of Praregoragepo Spaghetti Sauce, beautifully lathered across a plate of the finest pasta, like some kind of mural celebrating culinary unity. Clearly, the plate looks like the most delicious thing you have ever seen and good heavens if you don't eat that why bother ever eating again?

Up to this point, the advertisers have done their job.

Then, the ending.

The name of the sauce brand, in fancy lettering.

A hand, potentially the HOG, comes into view.

And places.

A jar.

Of the Spaghetti Sauce.

A jar.

A jar.

The entire point of the commercial is that spaghetti sauce that comes from a jar is vile and unsatisfying.

Not only is it shown in a jar, but the jar is the exact. same. shape. as the one used in the negative example!

I am not a professional advertiser. However, I (in my vanity) do fully believe that were I to write a commercial for Spaghetti Sauce, I would not shoot my commercial in the proverbial foot.

Silly Things, Part 1

1. Reading descriptions of characters in literary classics as if the character is secretly gay - also works for movies.

Examples:
"Clarence Hervey... was all things to all men - and to all women."

Or from our beloved Mr. Darcy:
"There is no woman in the room handsome enough to tempt me."

Generally it is not a very accurate way to read, but almost always amusing.


2. Siblings, Friends, or Lovers?

This is a great road trip game. It's very simple - when you see two people in a car on the road, you try and determine what their relationship is. This has to be done as quickly as possible, because after you choose, you carefully watch them to see who was right. Often very surprising results.

3. Old, heavy men wearing a t-shirt, out of the bottom of which their bellies dangle on each step, bouncing into vision briefly.

Oh, dear goodness, that was supposed to go in the disgusting things segment. Apologies.

4. Keeping track of statements made by Fox News Associates for any period of time longer than two weeks.

The easiest way to do this is to follow pundits such as Stephen Colbert or John Stewart, as they kindly point out the inconsistencies. Fox changes its position almost weekly, and it's a comedic goldmine.

5. Fortune Cookies.

I seriously wish that every now and then, they would sneak bad fortunes into the cookies, because it's all meaningless positive reinforcement. Just think of it:
"Mine says 'Romantic interests will bring you happiness'."
"oh. mine just says 'you're screwed'."

Conformity: The Most Complex Teenage Paradox OR Schrodinger's Clique

Ah, conformity. Call a conformist a conformist and they become angry. Call a non-conformist the wrong "type" of non-conformist and they become angry. It appears that no matter what you do, you can't escape it: There's the conformists who subscribe to popular culture, the conformists who violently oppose anything popular because they are "non"-conformists, and there's the conformists who point out the conformity of non-conformity... essentially you can chain that ad infinitum. Also, I just used the word conform a little too much, I think.

So how do we resolve the paradox?

No matter what you do, it'll have something in common with somebody else. It's inescapable. And yet for many, conformity is a death sentence.

Here's the secret (turn your eyes on):

Don't care.

That's the only way to do it! And I don't mean don't care as in, I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks-so-I'm-just-going-to-go-wild. I mean don't care as in why worry if what you're doing is popular? And why worry if what you're doing is "indie" (or hipster or underground or whatever you want to call it)? It all fits in some mold.

Really, the only time it's actually bad is when you conform for the sake of being the same as something else. When it's a coincidental alignment, it doesn't matter.

For example - I used to be vehemently opposed to pop music. It's not as artful, I said. It's not as meaningful, I said. But quite frankly? It's fun! Not all music has to be serious business! I shut myself off from some of the best dancing/driving music ever because of a petty grudge with "mainstream".

So just do your thing. If you like it, you like it. If 90% of America likes it, that doesn't mean it's bad. Just enjoy things. Yay high school!

Wow, this post turned out really boring. I promise more humor next time.

Things That Make You A Wonderful Person, Part 1

I figured it would be a good thing to counteract some of the negativity in the last post. Therefore, I have prepared a list of things that make you a wonderful person.

1. Baking.

Maybe part of this is selfish. Maybe part of it is just that I so enjoy the product of this pastime that I project saintly qualities upon the one who bakes. But that would suggest some form of error or imperfection on my part, and as the sole incorruptible standard of perfection within the blogosphere, we can safely dismiss these notions. Ergo, baking does in fact make you a better person. I think it's the fact that you can taste evil in baking, so those who make delicious treats have delicious souls... Eh, there's a better way to phrase that, but I'm not going to bother.

2. Being passionate (and well-informed) about something.

I included well-informed as an important caveat because I didn't want to include people who are, say, passionately racist, or people who take an absurdly extreme stance on an issue and don't really understand it.

But barring those, the people who feel strongly about something and then take the steps to educate themselves are, in my unbelievably vast world experience, better people for it. Even if I disagree entirely with their position. Which brings me to #3.

3. Understanding that a contrasting viewpoint does not vilify anybody.

Hello, internet. This is a good friend of mine named respectful disagreement. I have to assume that the two of you have never met because according to the Internet's general behavior, should you feel differently about something than I do, you are SATAN himself. But worse. You are SATAN swallowing Aleister Crowley and tongue-kissing Adolf Hitler while listening to Glenn Beck (see what I did there? It is funny because I am vilifying someone I disagree with even though I am saying you shouldn't do that). Now there, Internet. Isn't that a little excessive?

(For the record, Glenn Beck does the extreme "If you disagree with me you are trying to destroy America" thing, so I feel pretty confident that I am not shooting myself in the foot when I take a jab at him.)

Things that make you a bad person, Part 1

1: Not washing your hands when you leave a restroom.

Really? How old are we? When I see grown men do this, it makes me want to vomit into the sink that I am currently washing my hands with because I am not a disgusting person.

2: Liking the show The Real Housewives in any of its multifarious incarnations.

I just don't understand how people enjoy watching catfights that are scripted to seem like they aren't scripted. Maybe it's some bizarre offshoot of voyeurism, but I sure as heck hope not. Watch some real TV. Or better yet, don't watch any. I have a fair-sized backyard, you can come play in it.

3: Writing letters to the editor affirming your support for a team because/in spite of their victory/loss.

Personally, I am not the biggest fan of professional sports. I think they're fine things to be involved in and fun hobbies, but I just don't see how that translates into ridiculous salaries and rabid followers. But I certainly don't hold it against someone if they take pleasure in watching "the game" on tv or in person. However, when it reaches this point, it's gone too far. Maybe Paul at the water cooler likes to get on your case for your team preference, but the anonymous masses who read the paper? They don't care. It's like these people take a moral highground because they aren't abandoning their favorite team because of a bad season.

4: Being an editor who selects (for publication) letters to the editor affirming support for a team because/in spite of their victory/loss.

Really, you're just as culpable for giving that sort of garbage the time of day.